My Last Words to My Mother

The last birthday that my sister and I
celebrated with our birth mother

"I hope you find love and peace in your heart."  I spoke these words through burning tears.  The sound of my mother cursing and screaming became faint as I pulled the phone away from my ear.  I stared for a moment at the red button that would end the call, my thumb hovering with hesitation.  When her screams became more frantic and angry, I pressed down and closed my eyes.  It was over.

The last time I saw my mother, I was three.  My father told me that my sister and I clung her leg, begging her not to leave.  "She didn't even look back" my father told me with great pain.  He told me that she shook me and my sister off of her, opened the door, and walked into the night, each hand holding a bag filled with her belongings.  She never looked back.

28 years later, and for only $299, a search company led me to my mother who moved to South Korea close to 10 years ago.  Her voice, much lower than I expected, was the only connection I had to her as I began to rebuild our relationship over the phone.

There was the honeymoon period.  All throughout my life, I had a reoccurring dream of a little girl in a bright, red jacket.  "Do you remember the time I spent all of my money on a red coat for you?  I took you to Korea with me and you met my family in your beautiful coat.  I accidentally left it on the subway and we rode the train all day looking for it.  Do you remember?"  Even though she desperately wanted me to remember the first time I went to Korea, I didn't.  But I knew now why I dreamt of that girl in the red coat.  And then there was my strange fear of indented, circular patterns.  Whenever I saw an advertisement for lotion in a magazine and there was a close up of pores, the magazine would be thrown into the air and I would end up in fetal position, my heart racing and my palms sweaty.  I kept this strange fear from my friends and family but I couldn't keep it from my husband who eventually noticed my anxiety around beehives and decor with this particular pattern.  "Do you remember that time you were hospitalized because you burned yourself with hot tea?  I sat in the hospital with you for two weeks nursing you back to health.  I helped the nurses change your bandages every day."  That was it!  The bandages used on my burns had indented, circular patterns.  So many questions were being answered and I was beginning to feel more complete.  I learned about her family, a half brother I have who currently lives in New Orleans, and memories from the three years we spent together.

And then, the honeymoon period ended.  She was determined to cleanse her consciousness and purge her anger toward my father for their failed marriage.  I put up boundaries:  "What happened between you and my father is between you and my father.  In order for this relationship to grow, we are only to speak about the present and leave the past behind us."  Every conversation, she tested the boundary, falling into a state of rage and anger, trying to convince me to listen to her version of the past.  On July 12, 2015, over 30 years later, my mother picked up the phone, heard my voice, and chose her anger over me.  Like the three-year-old on that dark night, I pleaded with her.  No matter how much I asked her to stop screaming at me about my father, she did not listen.  I had to shake the emotions from my heart and end the call.  "I hope you find love and peace in your heart."  I put the phone down, walked out of the room with my husband by my side, and I never looked back.

Giving a Hand Up, Not a Hand Out

Have I been participating in toxic charity my entire life?  The meals I bought for those begging on the streets, my trip to New Orleans to gut a man's home after the hurricane, my month in Tanzania to aid a community affected by HIV... was all of it actually HURTING the people I wanted to help?  

LHA's Mission Statement

As I continued to turn the pages of Robert D. Lupton's Toxic Charity, I could feel the disbelief, guilt, and confusion weigh me down, tempting me to tuck the book back into my folder and go about my night in utter denial.  But I couldn't.  As a member of the LHA (Leadership Harrisburg Area) Class of 2015, I made a commitment to servant leadership, and I had to step out of my comfort zone to do so.  I also couldn't put the book down, not because this book was a required read before our human services session in Harrisburg, but I genuinely wanted to know how to serve well. And to do so meant admitting that my caring and compassionate intentions might have resulted in unintended consequences.  I began the process of questioning my previous actions in order to determine how I will serve in the future. 

What do you do when you see a person begging in the streets?

I, like most individuals, feel completely torn when encountering an older gentleman at a busy intersection holding a tattered sign revealing that he is a homeless veteran in need, a young woman who needs just $2.30 more to buy a bus ticket home, a child clinging to his mother's leg as she asks those who pass her for money to feed her family. I've given a few bills to the veteran, bought a bus pass for the young woman, and purchased a rotisserie chicken with sides and bottles of water for the mother and child.

Lupton addresses this very dilemma by referring to a 2011 Christianity Today article.  Three veteran ministry leaders were asked "Should Christians always give money to street people who ask for it?".  Their responses, summed up, were "Yes, freely," "Sometimes, in order to connect them to the necessary resources," and "Absolutely not!".  According to Lupton, what these three begging individuals truly need is my due diligence, not my money; if I am not able to dedicate the time to create a trusting relationship with each one of these individuals, then I must give my money to an organization that does.  As me, the giver, and as them, the recipients, a trusting relationship cannot be formed because the resources ($) is controlled by me and the recipient always remains on the outside.  In order for the recipient's dignity to be enhanced and self-sufficiency established, the begging veteran, bus taker, and mother must be on the inside. To be "on the inside" means that recipients must become the dispensers, authors of the rules, and builders of the community. 

"Never do for the poor what they have (or could have) the capacity to do for themselves." 

Lupton provides the following examples as clarification:

Being on the Outside: A line begins to form outside of the church pantry first thing in the morning, the line filled with men, women, and children all waiting to receive their free food from the local church.  The volunteer, a member of the church, sits at a table, the rules of the system posted above: One visit per month.  Must have ID.  One bag per household.  Some of the recipients follow the rules and others do not, giving reasons why the volunteer should bend the rules for them.  The volunteer might bend or even step out of the church to help the recipient with personal problems, but soon realizes that doing so creates complications, so the volunteer learns to stick to the rules and avoid personal involvement. 

Being on the Inside:  The people who are in need of food to feed their families are members of a co-op at a local church.  The members are busy putting out the food on tables, checking to see who has paid the $3 membership dues, and distributing food to those who have paid.  Some of the individuals are at the food bank obtaining more food, others are sorting and packaging, and there are others cleaning up.  All decisions (Who gets the meat products? Who is supposed to do the home deliveries?  What should the co-op do with inactive members?) are made by the members.  The members do not receive handouts but play a reasonable due; they make and enforce the rules and, over time, build relationships, help one another out, and become the church. 

 Are mission/service trips helpful?

Hurricane Katrina Relief Work - Spring 2006

After the devastation of Hurricane Katrina, I joined a group of students from Dickinson College on a service trip to New Orleans to gut homes destroyed by flooding.  Lupton states that for emergency situations such as this, one way giving should not be limited.

However, many non-emergency short-term service trips do not effect lasting change.  Lupton provided a list of service trips gone wrong: a wall built on an orphanage's soccer field that had to be torn down, a church wall in Mexico that was painted six times by six different mission's groups, a tile floor that was laid by inexperience volunteers (while local tile layers waited to see if there was any work left for them) that had to be torn up and redone.  He states that the thousands of dollars that volunteers raise for the travel, lodging, food, and staff time in an impoverished country rarely amount to the monetary value of the actual work done. The funds raised would be far more effective if directly invested in the people served.

"Limit one-way giving to emergency situations."

The author cites Haiti and Africa as being the prime examples of toxic charity.  Billions of dollars in free aid have been poured into these two areas, and yet sustainability is still far from reality as the spirit of self-sufficiency has been replaced with a mentality of dependency.  Dambisa Moyo writes in her expose, Dead Aid, about assistance to Africa, her native country:  "The reality is aid has helped make the poor poorer and growth slower.  Aid has been, and continues to be, an unmitigated political, economic and humanitarian disaster for most parts of the developing world."  The author warns donors of the toxicity of one-way giving: Give once and you elicit appreciation; give twice and you create anticipation; give three times and you create expectation; give four times and it becomes entitlement; give five times and you establish dependency.

Why did my service trip abroad fail to leave a lasting impact on the community I served?

My one month service trip to Moshi, Tanzania - Summer of 2011

My husband and I decided that, before we begin having children, we would create a "baby bucket list."  The number one goal on my list was to go to a third world country for one month and dedicate myself to service.  Like many people in the world, my heart was filled with compassion and a desire to put that compassion to work.  Compassion, however, is dangerous, says Lupton, as it causes reasonable people, like myself, to act out of intention and without proper execution. "Good" intentions are not enough.

 A quick Google search brought up hundreds of organizations that claimed to change the lives of people all over the world.  In just two weeks, I could engage in "meaningful" volunteer work and create lasting relationships with those in need.  Every site was plastered with pictures of children with various shades of brown skin being read to by white Americans, and middle class/suburban teens with shovels and hammers in hand.  While "helping" the needy, volunteers had the opportunity to travel the country and learn about the culture first hand.  Volunteer quotes boasted of life changing experiences, learning opportunities, and grand shifts in perspectives (I would later find out these changes were for the volunteer, not for the community served.)   I chose an organization, raised funds, and bought my ticket to Tanzania.

"Subordinate self-interests to the needs of those being served." 

Cross Cultural Solutions, the organization that I chose, claimed: "VOLUNTEER ABROAD. CHANGE THEIR WORLD. CHANGE YOURS.  THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING."  How many volunteers has Cross Cultural Solutions and the hundreds of other religious and non-religious organizations sent overseas?  And why is the change that is claimed to be made missing?  Because the communities need development; playing soccer with orphaned children, bringing books and clothing to villages, making friendships with the locals, helping make some repairs, and traveling the country for a few weeks does NOT change everything. As stated so poignantly in the book, "Giving to those in need what they can be gaining from their own initiative may well be the kindess way to destroy people."

Lutpon argues that an overwhelming number of the short-term trips that volunteers are sent are to places that need development and a long-term commitment.  Wouldn't it be better to call our trips an "insight trip" or "exchange program"?  There's nothing wrong with exploring a country and getting to know the people of culture through travel; however, taking a personal excursion to another area under the guise of "service" or "volunteerism" only weakens those being served, fosters dishonest relationships, erodes recipient's work ethic, and deepens dependency.   

 "Strive to empower the poor through employment, lending, and investing, using grants sparingly to reinforce achievements."

Lupton applauds the micro-lending system as it keeps the dignity and self-sufficiency of those in poverty intact; however, many mission and service trips promote "feel good" experiences that only benefit those who are serving.  Why should communities borrow money when churches and aid organizations give it to them?  What village would borrow money to dig a well or buy books for a school if these were provided at no cost?  If all that was required was to make a wish list and then smile graciously at the affluent, well meaning U.S. churches and aid organizations until they leave, can one blame a community for doing so?

While in Tanzania, I quickly realized that my service trip could turn into just another vacation with little to no impact being left in the town I was trying to help.  I worked closely with Jipe Moyo, an local non-profit that served members of the community affected by HIV.  One of the women, Asia, was trained on how to use a sewing machine in hopes that she can teach the other members and start a small business.  They were currently making hand bags to sell to foreigners who visited Tanzania.  The Hard Life Artists was another local organization that I befriended during my time in Tanzania, and I fell in love with their concept of using art to empower children and raise funds for the community.  In addition, I met and taught many children who did not have access to education because of their family's financial situation.



The logo for the website created for Jipe Moyo,
The Hard Life Artists, and sponsorship

I decided to promote sustainability by the handbags and paintings back go the United States.  I even found sponsorship for nine school aged children and sponsored the college education of another local upon my return from Tanzania.  The website I created outlined the work that I did: Give Heart Give Hope.  So, I did exactly what Lupton advised - I tried to empower the poor through employment and lending and investing.  But I failed. 

Upon my return to the United States, Jipe Moyo split into two factions and women from both groups contacted me about to whom future profits belonged.  An artist from The Hard Life Artists contacted me to let me know that the money I sent to another member was being used for personal purchases and not for the children; therefore, I should start sending it to someone him instead.  The students all failed out of school that year and didn't have the support system necessary to succeed.  My compassion and desire to help has left me with a closet filled with beautiful handbags, paintings, and pictures of children in need.

After years of reflection and after reading Toxic Charity, I realized the reasons for my failure:

1. Due Diligence:  The one month I was in Tanzania combined with the phone calls and Facebook messages upon my return cannot help the community create the lasting changes necessary.  The community deserves the necessary time to build trusting and healthy relationships that do not resemble the donor-recipient model.
2. Doing With, not Doing For:  The women of Jipe Moyo, the Hard Life Artists, and the students should have been a part of the entire process.  Yes, the women made the hand bags.  Yes, the artists painted the paintings.  Yes, the students attended free English classes to show their dedication to education.  But that does not mean that they were truly on the inside?  No.  The women and artists should have been a part of the website creation and sale. The students' families should have had more investment with the process of securing sponsorship. And every one of the community members should have had equal investment.
3. Personal Interests:  I chose an organization that allowed the personal interests of the volunteers to be a large part of the volunteer experience.  While in Tanzania, I was surprised to hear the reasons for coming to Africa with Cross Cultural Solutions.  I met a woman who was recovering from a divorce, a young man who needed to leave his home town after his father passed away, a woman whose marriage ended because of her husband's affair... and the list goes on. Several other volunteers were there with a cultural experience as a major, if not main priority.  Others were there with a desire to make lasting change, but, like me, ignorant of how to do so beyond the donor-recipient model.  From here on out, if I am going to truly serve the needs of a community, I must place their needs far and above mine.

How Do I Continue to Serve Locally?

My home in Harrisburg, PA

While teaching full time, building relationships with family and friends, and taking part in leadership opportunities, my desire to serve has not diminished, but grows stronger. 

I mentored a young man through the Big Brother Big Sister program, volunteered at various after-school programs, picked up trash around the city of Harrisburg, donated to charities each month; however, I am still left wondering how I can make a long-lasting, meaningful impact on the lives of those I serve. 

Lupton provided me with very practical ways to give to the community:

• Strengthen the Urban Center:  I currently live in Harrisburg city, a city that I have called home for over seven years.  The media paints a picture of violence, blight, and hopelessness, my in-laws have expressed concern about crime, and some friends and colleagues make comments that only contribute to the fear and negativity created by the media.  Lupton states that "what we believe about a neighborhood will in large measure determine what we find when we arrive."  I am not ignorant to the problems that exist in the city; however, I am acutely aware of the benefits of being surrounded by so much life and diversity.  When I look around, I see beautiful, historic buildings, people of all different shades and socioeconomic levels, sidewalks filled with history in each crack and groove, and small businesses whose owners are chatting with neighbors, not just customers.  I feel alive when I am walking the streets of Olde Uptown, getting to know my neighbors, planting flowers in my own flower bed (not as a suburban service project to beautify a run-down neighborhood), and being a part of a movement to strengthen this urban center.
  
  Lupton states that living in and connecting with a struggling community is one of the most authentic expressions of affirmation for a struggling community. However, even my living in a urban center must be done right - I cannot be a resident who merely reaps the benefits of living in the city while ignoring the problems that exist in my own backyard.  I must become an active participant in the growth:  "When connected neighbors move into the struggling world of those who are poor in order to be friends (rather than profit-making gentrifiers), new possibilities begin to appear.  With resourced neighbors come educational improvements, better stores, safer streets."

"Listen closely to those you seek to help, especially to what is not being said - unspoken feelings may contain essential clues to effective service."
 

• Learn to Listen:  The example that Lupton gave of listening closely to those you seek to help stuck with me for hours after I put the book down.  Over the course of several years, I spent hundreds of dollars buying gifts for families during the holiday season, and Lupton witnessed a gift strip one family of their dignity. 
  
  Spending Christmas Eve with a family in an urban neighborhood, Lupton observed as the children anxiously waited by the door for Santa's helpers, a well-dressed family with young children who dropped gifts off to the family.  The mother smiled nervously to hide her embarrassment, and lied to her children that their father was at the store.  He left the room, emasculated in front of his own children who receive gifts from the "rich" people outside of their home.  Lupton then began to notice how many recipients of charity avoided eye contact, slumped, and sometimes changed from gracious to entitled. Volunteering to serve food at a local soup kitchen, buying a Christmas gift for a child in need, and completing an art project with students at an urban school a few times over the course of several months are great starts, but not enough. 
  
  Lupton revels that the people that are being served are not often willing to reveal the entire story for multiple reasons: intimidation, fear of judgment, fear of losing support, fear of appearing unappreciative; however, effective servants must learn to observe behaviors, ask insightful questions, use their intuition, and hear what is not being said.  Once again, we must remind ourselves that service is to truly serve the needs of the individual, and our ears and eyes must be opened. 
  
• Go Beyond Betterment:  When we give a hungry individual food, pay a neighbor's gas bill during a tough month, give a wrapped toy to a child in need, organize a hands-on activity for a group of struggling students, we are offering betterment - immediate relief.  They do make a different; however, poverty and many other deeply rooted issues will not be solved unless there is a move toward development:  "Betterment does for others.  Development maintains the long view and looks to enable others to do for themselves.  Betterment improves conditions.  Development strengthens capacity.  Betterment gives a man a fish.  Development teaches a mane how to fish." 
  
  Many of my service projects have provided betterment for those in need; however, I am now ready to make a conscious decision to see out opportunities to contribute to development - putting in the necessary hours to listen, create trusting relationships, and ask what resources I can bring into the process to create lasting change.
  
• Change My Mind-Set:  Lupton shares a candid conversation with a neighbor about how volunteers were completely unaware of their damaging words:  "I hate it when volunteers come down here.  Do you know what it's like to have people look down on you like you're poor, like you need help?  I know they're just trying to be nice but, damn, they insult you and don't even know it!  Like one lady mentioned to me and Tamara how clean our house was.  I guess she thought it was a compliment.  What she was really saying was 'I'm surprised to see your house isn't with roaches and filled with trash like most black families.' A couple people told me how smart and well-behaved my kids were, surprised that they weren't dumb and rowdy like most inner-city black kids.  I see through their words.  I hear what they really think.  But, you have to keep smiling and act like you don't know what's going on.  I really hate it!"
  
  The common "we-will-rescue you" mindset must be replaced with mutual admiration and respect.  A fellow Leadership Harrisburg colleague, who organizes service projects for the students of the urban schools, opened up to me about this very frustration.  "Would you like me to smear some dirt on their faces and make them look extra poor for your volunteers?" she often thinks to herself during the planning process. 
  
  It is too easy to fall into the mentality of pity for those we serve; however, the very people we serve have the insight, experiences, and potential to be where I am today - I just might have the resources they need to do so.  In true collaboration will the best solution be found.

Above all, do no harm.

"If there is one take-away message that this book can offer to those in service work or supporting it, it is this: the poor, no matter how destitute, have enormous untapped capacity; find it, be inspired by it, and build upon it."

The First Heart Necklace I Ever Bought

My very first heart necklace purchase

"Don't ever get me a heart necklace," I told my husband adamantly.  "They are ugly and cliche.  I honestly think that Kay, Mounts, and every small time jewelry store knows they are ugly but keep pumping 'em out because clueless men all over the world will stumble into their store and walk out with some unoriginal heart necklace and earring set and feel like he's going to get a long and passionate kiss when his woman opens the velvet box.  Honestly, most women who get heart necklaces will think 'Not another one of these!' and then kiss her partner out of pity because he fell into the same trap that Kay, Mounts, and every small time jewelry store set for him."

Sten stared at me, his mouth slightly opened from being overwhelmed and responded, "I'll be sure to NEVER get you a heart anything."

And yet I find myself holding a white box in my hand, staring at the first heart necklace I ever bought, wondering if this heart will be received with love or with pity.

A few hours ago, I stepped into a department store and approached Donna, a woman behind the jewelry counter who had a warm smile and friendly greeting.

"How can I help you?" she asked.

"I was wondering if you had any opal jewelry.  I was born in October and opal is my birthstone."

Donna led me over to a glass case and I stared down at the selection of opal necklaces, earrings, and rings, each white opal reflecting shimmers of blue, green, and orange.  My eyes began to water and I felt sick to my stomach.  I could hear Donna telling me about the cons of opals as I tried to gather my emotions.

"Opals are quite delicate and prone to break, so I don't usually advise people to buy opals unless they plan on wearing them every now and then."

"Well," I said quietly, "I don't know if the person I'm buying this for wears a lot of jewelry.  Maybe she won't even like opals.  It's just that my birthstone and my older sister's birthstone is opal, so I thought it would be fitting.  You see, it's for my birth mother, but I don't know her that well..."

I could feel myself unraveling, but when I looked up and saw a genuine care and kindness in the eyes that looked back at me, I continued to speak.

"My birth mother left me when I was about 3 and my sister was 4.  I recently reconnected with her with the help of a search agency and I wanted to send her some pictures of me along with a gift.  I don't know much about her, but I wanted to get her a pendant that symbolized... well, I don't really know what.  Maybe I can look for something else."

Donna's eyes widened and said, "Your story reminds me of Amy Tan and her novel The Joy Luck Club! Have you read the book?"  I cringed inside but immediately recognized her intentions.

"Yes, I have" I said.  "I can see why you'd think that."

Donna, while telling me about the similarities in our stories, began opening various cases, her keys jangling as she moved, lining several pendants side by side.

My eyes scanned the counter and I pointed to several pendants that caught my eye - one was an infinity symbol with two tiny hearts in the center, another was two circles linked to one another, and surprisingly, I chose some with hearts.  Maybe I should include my sister Melissa in the symbolism?  Maybe she doesn't want to be a part of this?  I'll just stick to a symbol that includes only me.

"Should I get her earrings as well?"  I asked.

"Well, are her ears pierced?"  I honestly don't know.

Me and my birth mother at Sea World

"That's a good question."  I stared into the memory of one of the three pictures I have of her and couldn't see close enough to discover pierced ears.  "We'll just stick to necklaces, then."

Donna and I stared at the pendants, deep in thought.

"I don't know why, but I feel like I'm going to vomit" I whispered.

"Why?"

"Well, I don't know if she deserves this necklace.  I mean, she left me when I was three.  I have a two year old daughter, and I have no idea how a mother could leave her daughters when they are so young.  I want to be pissed off with her.  But I also want to recognize that she was a huge part of my life.  She gave birth to me and raised me for three years.  I have some pretty great memories with my daughter and feel a strong bond, even though she's only two."

Donna looked at me, her eyes full of compassion.  "She had to have been desperate.  I mean, in The Joy Luck Club, the mother abandoned her child out of necessity.  You may never know what your mother went through and what you are doing for her is wonderful."

Donna pointed at the pendant with the two hearts linked together.  "I like this one the best.  The hearts are most obvious in this one.  I think it symbolizes her heart and yours."

I stared at the heart necklaces for a few seconds.  "It's perfect."

While Donna rang up the necklace and placed it in a white box, her voice lowered as she spoke.  "When I was just a young girl, I got pregnant and had an abortion.  It was not my choice; it was my father's.  It was a difficult time in my life.  I want you to know that your birth mother may have been in a difficult situation herself, and you are doing the right thing by trying to find out her story."

I leaned over the counter and gave Donna a hug.

"Please come back and tell me how it went" she said to me.  I told her I would.

When I went home and looked at the necklace with my husband, he put his arm around me and squeezed me tightly.  "It's perfect" he told me and I couldn't have agreed more.

Classroom Teaching vs. Virtual Teaching: A Day in the Life

My day drastically changed when I went from being a classroom teacher to a virtual teacher.  I remember that, as a classroom teacher, my weekends were spent working.  If I didn't work, I was met with the consequences that following week.  When Sunday evenings rolled around, I had a feeling of dread, knowing that the next five days would be spent in a blur in my classroom, teaching and preparing to teach.  As a cyber charter school teacher, Sundays evenings are wonderful.  I spend the weekend without guilt hanging over my head and I am able to work by choice, not by the fear of the week hanging over me.  I am rested and ready to be a part of a collaborative environment on Monday.  I don't know that I can ever go back to being a classroom teacher and anyone who compares my two schedules will understand why.
 
Bricks and Mortar

• 5:30am: Wake up, get ready, eat breakfast in the car
• 6:45am: Set-up classroom, review lesson plans, breathe
• 7:20am-3:00pm: Teach, teach, teach!  Scarf down lunch in 15 minutes or less, run to the bathroom in the 4 minutes provided between classes
• 3:00-5:00pm: Breathe, prepare the class for tomorrow's lessons or attend meetings or call parents or contact administrator's about student issues
• 5:00pm-7:00pm: Drive home, make and eat dinner
• 7:00pm-10:00pm: Lesson plan, grade, get ready for bed
• 10:30pm: Sleep

Cyber Charter

• 7:00am: Wake up, get ready
• 8:00am-8:30am: Sip on coffee and eat breakfast while I plan out my day's tasks
• 8:00am-4:00pm: Teach, lesson plan, grade, attend meetings, collaborate with other teachers, contact families, take a half hour lunch with colleagues, meet with administrators about student issues
• 4:00pm: Go home, make and eat dinner, do work if any not completed during the day, spend time with family, read and relax
• 11:30pm: Sleep

Where else in the world outside of classroom teaching does a bell-to-bell schedule exist?  I couldn't eat when I wanted to (one year, my lunch period began at 10:30am), I couldn't use the bathroom when I had to, and I had to use a significant amount of time outside of my work day to complete tasks in order to ensure a productive and effective work week.  I rarely had time to collaborate with other teachers, meet with my administrators, or take part in professional development opportunities. 

I don't know what the answer is, but all I know is that, from my personal experience, I am a much better teacher because I am not living by the bell and spending most of my personal time on work.  I am a much happier individual because I have enough time during the work day but still choose to continue my work when I prefer.  I was completely burnt out while teaching in the classroom and I admire the strength of those who continue to stay in the classroom - I just couldn't do it!

Motivation

As a teacher in my 11th year of teaching, I should have a pretty strong grasp on student motivation, especially because I've taught seniors most of my years as an educator.  As I watch hundreds of my students walk across the stage in their cap and gown each year, one would think that I sit in my seat, feeling proud of having motivated my students to work toward a successful senior year.  However, I am, in my 11th year of teaching, unable to tell you how to motivate my students toward academic success.  Before your jaw drops in shock and disbelief, let me break it down for you on a personal level. 

Motivation for Me

My main motivation to succeed in school was driven by a desperate need to rise out of poverty.  My parents' combined income was below $20,000, we were surviving as recipients of welfare, and our home was located in a crime-ridden town that sat outside of West Philadelphia.  No matter how much my family struggled financially, my father refused to let me get a job.  "Studying and getting a scholarship is the most important job you have," he told me.  He also sat me down my Freshman year of high school and told me that he did not have a single penny saved for my college education; therefore, it was up to me to get a scholarships and to secure financial assistance. 

I was motivated by a desire to create a better life than my parents had.  During my high school year, I was the vice president of the student council for two years, graduated in the top 5% of my class, spoke at my high school graduation, and was invited to attend Dickinson College with enough scholarship, grants, and financial aid.  During my college career, I was the president of an organization, the co-founder of another organization, a member of an honor society for education majors, and spoke at the baccalaureate ceremony. 

Motivation for my Husband

My husband was raised by two college educated parents in the town of Carlisle.  He grew up on a beautiful farmhouse on 15 acres of land.  However, he never found motivation in school. 

During his high school career, his report card was filled with Cs, Ds, and the occasional F.  He boasts of never actually reading a single novel in English class and is still frustrated at the age of 33 that he was tracked into the lower level courses, away from all of his friends.  All he cared about was art and doodled in the back of the class, bored with the content.  College was the next step, not for any reason except that's what everyone does.  During his college career, he went from being an animation major to a graphic design major.  After graduation, he went back into school to become an art teacher, only to quit the profession a few years later to become a photographer. 

Here's the catch!  We are both hard-working individuals who truly love what we do and are making enough money to own a home, raise a child, get fancy and eat out, go on vacation, and donate money to various charities. 

Motivation for my Students

I used to think that I can instill motivation by stressing the importance of education.  Clearly, if I had students like my husband, that does not work.  I used to think that if I showed my struggling students enough care and investment, I could motivate them.  I've had countless students who I contacted, begging them to complete their work, trying to cut deals to help them across that stage, but there was nothing I could do.  Then, there are those students, kind of like me, who just stayed motivated.

I've tried the flipped classroom model, humor, technology, personal anecdotes in lessons, tough love, instilling fear, monologues and inspirational speeches... you name it!  I may be completely and utterly wrong, but I don't think that I, as a teacher, have the power to truly motivate my students to academically succeed (there have been the handful that have proven me wrong).

What I can do, instead, is provide the opportunity for my students discover passion through the subject I teach, to ignite even the smallest flame that might grow to a blaze of motivation.  It was when my husband found his passion for photography that his motivation kicked in.  It was my passion and desire to create a better life for myself and for my family that drove me.  I've seen my students, who were dead to the academic world, come alive when they discovered a hidden love.  Therefore, I've shifted my mindset from student motivation to student passion.  And you know what?  They may not discover it with me, and I'm okay with that. 

The Online Choice for Teachers and Students

Why I Made the Switch

In my sixth year of teaching, I was completely burnt out and no longer able to convince myself that the next year would be better.  I interviewed for and was offered a position at a non-profit organization serving women who were victims of abuse, I applied to Dickinson College's student life department, I spoke with my hair stylist about working as the receptionist, and the only teaching job for which I applied was at a juvenile detention center (at least I would receive more support than my previous school when dealing with discipline issues).  While knee deep in the job search process, I ran into a former teacher who had quit from the same school just two years prior.  He had lost weight, gained a ton of hair (tied stylishly into a ponytail), shed the health problems that were linked to stress, and rediscovered a smile that had vanished from years of teaching without necessary support.  He told me that he was working for Commonwealth Connections Academy, a cyber charter school that served students all over the state of Pennsylvania.  I was intrigued, applied, and was hired.

There I am, on the bottom left - the picture perfect online teacher.

The Honeymoon Period

My first year was spent in educational bliss.  My administrators were beyond supportive.  They dealt quickly with the students I brought to their attention, held bi-weekly meetings with me, actually inquiring about my happiness in the work place, and even rolled up their sleeves to get behind a grill for teacher lunches and behind a griddle to make pancakes for teachers during teacher appreciation week.

My time was respected.  I was given the option to choose when to start and end my work day, meetings and professional developments were held during the work day, and I had enough time to complete all of my required work so I didn't have to take grading and lesson planning home.  I no longer dreaded Sunday evenings when the guilt of putting off work to enjoy time with friends and family hung over my head.  I felt rejuvenated from the weekend and looked forward to going into the office on Mondays.

I felt more connected to my students in this environment than ever before.  Even though I didn't see my students physically, I spoke with them during my lessons and over the phone, and for some reason, I was able to get to know them on a deep level.  When the student is in the comfort of his/her home and without a classroom full of peers and social pressures, I am able to have meaningful and personal conversations frequently.  On the plus side, I was able to get to know the parents/caretakers as well.  With 120 students, if my principal gave me the name of a student, I was most likely able to tell you about his/her family life, interests, and struggles in addition to his/her writing abilities and reading level.

Reality Sets In 

I am currently in my fifth year at Commonwealth Connections Academy, and I am acutely aware of the challenges that arise from the cyber-charter setting.

1.  Student accountability:  I am not able to see my students face-to-face each day; however, that does not mean that students are not able to receive meaningful instruction.  Student accountability, on the other hand, is still a work in progress.  Each year, I speak with "A" and "B" students who are unable to answer basic questions about the reading, leading me to wonder how he/she is able to maintain such high scores.  In addition, because students from all over the United States and even our international students are using the same curriculum, a quick Google search will bring up a handful of websites that provide answers to the tests.  Often times, there is not much the teachers can do.

A screen shot of my English 12 student's course tree

2.  Curriculum:  Our curriculum and materials are provided by Pearson Education who acquired all of Connections Education in 2011.  Connections Education serves students nationally and internationally (including Commonwealth Connections Academy students in PA) with the same curriculum.  Teachers have very little power to manipulate or change the curriculum.  If there is an essay question that I do not feel is an effective measure of understanding, I cannot change it.  If there are multiple choice questions with incorrect answers, I have to go through a process which takes a few weeks to enact change, if at all.  My ELL and IEP students are given the exact same course tree and content as my standard and honors level students with just a few changes.  I am able to provide modifications to the curriculum; however, the modifications to the rigid curriculum does not provide the student with the best education for his/her needs.  Trying to contact and collaborate with the curriculum department has been difficult and one of the greatest challenges of this job.  Although the above commercial boasts "superb personalized instruction", I can honestly say that we are still working toward making that goal a reality.

3.  Attendance:  I currently have close to 180 students on my course load and an average of 20 students or less attend my virtual lessons.  I understand that many of our students are not able to attend live and choose to watch the recordings, but there is a large percentage of students who rarely/never attend or watch my lessons.  In addition, I find myself calling students who have not completed a single lesson for my course for weeks and sadly even months.  I am most shocked when a student, who looks as though he/she may fail, will complete the majority of my course in just two weeks or less in the month of June and receive a passing grade.

Why I Choose to Stay

When I first began teaching at Commonwealth Connections Academy during the 2010-2011 academic year, we had about 3,000 students.  This year, we are expected to have close to 10,000 students enrolled.  The cyber charter school setting is not for every student and will not work for all, but it's clearly working for many.  I had the privilege of providing educational opportunities for students that could not succeed in a bricks-and-mortar setting.

Victoria left the Philadelphia school district; her school is a dangerous neighborhood and funding cuts significantly affected the quality of education for students.  In addition, she gave birth to a son within a few months into the school year and was able to complete her work when her son slept.  She is one of many teen mothers who are able to care for their child and earn a high school diploma.

Sydney is the current Miss Teen Pennsylvania and travels to New York weekly to work on her modeling career.  She is able to complete her work in the evenings and while in the hotel.  I've also had a student training to be a member of Cirque de Solei and another who competed in and made it to the second level of "So, You Think You Can Dance."

Brittany is paralyzed from the neck down and was not able to receive the necessary services at her school to complete her education.  We were able to provide her with a voice recognition program so that she can complete all of her written work verbally.  She took all of her tests and quizzes with me orally, over the telephone.  Students with special needs, including Brittany, make up 20% of our student population.  Our school is not perfect, but we are working each year to better serve our special needs population.

Justin has a speech impediment which resulted in his being severely bullied at his local school which, in turn, led to depression and anxiety.  His mother, in tears, thanked me and his other teachers as Justin was able to graduate and make friends through our school.  He just emailed me last week with an update - he is currently working and saving money so that he can pursue higher education.

I choose to stay at my cyber-charter school for the same reason that a teacher in a bricks-and-mortar chooses to stay - for my students.  Yes, the curriculum, student accountability, attendance, and other aspects of the online environment are not perfect, but as long as I have support from my administration, connection with my students, and the opportunity to contribute to necessary change, I choose to be an online teacher  I think that providing this option for both students and teacher is an invaluable part of a strong educational system.