The First Heart Necklace I Ever Bought

My very first heart necklace purchase

"Don't ever get me a heart necklace," I told my husband adamantly.  "They are ugly and cliche.  I honestly think that Kay, Mounts, and every small time jewelry store knows they are ugly but keep pumping 'em out because clueless men all over the world will stumble into their store and walk out with some unoriginal heart necklace and earring set and feel like he's going to get a long and passionate kiss when his woman opens the velvet box.  Honestly, most women who get heart necklaces will think 'Not another one of these!' and then kiss her partner out of pity because he fell into the same trap that Kay, Mounts, and every small time jewelry store set for him."

Sten stared at me, his mouth slightly opened from being overwhelmed and responded, "I'll be sure to NEVER get you a heart anything."

And yet I find myself holding a white box in my hand, staring at the first heart necklace I ever bought, wondering if this heart will be received with love or with pity.

A few hours ago, I stepped into a department store and approached Donna, a woman behind the jewelry counter who had a warm smile and friendly greeting.

"How can I help you?" she asked.

"I was wondering if you had any opal jewelry.  I was born in October and opal is my birthstone."

Donna led me over to a glass case and I stared down at the selection of opal necklaces, earrings, and rings, each white opal reflecting shimmers of blue, green, and orange.  My eyes began to water and I felt sick to my stomach.  I could hear Donna telling me about the cons of opals as I tried to gather my emotions.

"Opals are quite delicate and prone to break, so I don't usually advise people to buy opals unless they plan on wearing them every now and then."

"Well," I said quietly, "I don't know if the person I'm buying this for wears a lot of jewelry.  Maybe she won't even like opals.  It's just that my birthstone and my older sister's birthstone is opal, so I thought it would be fitting.  You see, it's for my birth mother, but I don't know her that well..."

I could feel myself unraveling, but when I looked up and saw a genuine care and kindness in the eyes that looked back at me, I continued to speak.

"My birth mother left me when I was about 3 and my sister was 4.  I recently reconnected with her with the help of a search agency and I wanted to send her some pictures of me along with a gift.  I don't know much about her, but I wanted to get her a pendant that symbolized... well, I don't really know what.  Maybe I can look for something else."

Donna's eyes widened and said, "Your story reminds me of Amy Tan and her novel The Joy Luck Club! Have you read the book?"  I cringed inside but immediately recognized her intentions.

"Yes, I have" I said.  "I can see why you'd think that."

Donna, while telling me about the similarities in our stories, began opening various cases, her keys jangling as she moved, lining several pendants side by side.

My eyes scanned the counter and I pointed to several pendants that caught my eye - one was an infinity symbol with two tiny hearts in the center, another was two circles linked to one another, and surprisingly, I chose some with hearts.  Maybe I should include my sister Melissa in the symbolism?  Maybe she doesn't want to be a part of this?  I'll just stick to a symbol that includes only me.

"Should I get her earrings as well?"  I asked.

"Well, are her ears pierced?"  I honestly don't know.

Me and my birth mother at Sea World

"That's a good question."  I stared into the memory of one of the three pictures I have of her and couldn't see close enough to discover pierced ears.  "We'll just stick to necklaces, then."

Donna and I stared at the pendants, deep in thought.

"I don't know why, but I feel like I'm going to vomit" I whispered.

"Why?"

"Well, I don't know if she deserves this necklace.  I mean, she left me when I was three.  I have a two year old daughter, and I have no idea how a mother could leave her daughters when they are so young.  I want to be pissed off with her.  But I also want to recognize that she was a huge part of my life.  She gave birth to me and raised me for three years.  I have some pretty great memories with my daughter and feel a strong bond, even though she's only two."

Donna looked at me, her eyes full of compassion.  "She had to have been desperate.  I mean, in The Joy Luck Club, the mother abandoned her child out of necessity.  You may never know what your mother went through and what you are doing for her is wonderful."

Donna pointed at the pendant with the two hearts linked together.  "I like this one the best.  The hearts are most obvious in this one.  I think it symbolizes her heart and yours."

I stared at the heart necklaces for a few seconds.  "It's perfect."

While Donna rang up the necklace and placed it in a white box, her voice lowered as she spoke.  "When I was just a young girl, I got pregnant and had an abortion.  It was not my choice; it was my father's.  It was a difficult time in my life.  I want you to know that your birth mother may have been in a difficult situation herself, and you are doing the right thing by trying to find out her story."

I leaned over the counter and gave Donna a hug.

"Please come back and tell me how it went" she said to me.  I told her I would.

When I went home and looked at the necklace with my husband, he put his arm around me and squeezed me tightly.  "It's perfect" he told me and I couldn't have agreed more.

Classroom Teaching vs. Virtual Teaching: A Day in the Life

My day drastically changed when I went from being a classroom teacher to a virtual teacher.  I remember that, as a classroom teacher, my weekends were spent working.  If I didn't work, I was met with the consequences that following week.  When Sunday evenings rolled around, I had a feeling of dread, knowing that the next five days would be spent in a blur in my classroom, teaching and preparing to teach.  As a cyber charter school teacher, Sundays evenings are wonderful.  I spend the weekend without guilt hanging over my head and I am able to work by choice, not by the fear of the week hanging over me.  I am rested and ready to be a part of a collaborative environment on Monday.  I don't know that I can ever go back to being a classroom teacher and anyone who compares my two schedules will understand why.
 
Bricks and Mortar

• 5:30am: Wake up, get ready, eat breakfast in the car
• 6:45am: Set-up classroom, review lesson plans, breathe
• 7:20am-3:00pm: Teach, teach, teach!  Scarf down lunch in 15 minutes or less, run to the bathroom in the 4 minutes provided between classes
• 3:00-5:00pm: Breathe, prepare the class for tomorrow's lessons or attend meetings or call parents or contact administrator's about student issues
• 5:00pm-7:00pm: Drive home, make and eat dinner
• 7:00pm-10:00pm: Lesson plan, grade, get ready for bed
• 10:30pm: Sleep

Cyber Charter

• 7:00am: Wake up, get ready
• 8:00am-8:30am: Sip on coffee and eat breakfast while I plan out my day's tasks
• 8:00am-4:00pm: Teach, lesson plan, grade, attend meetings, collaborate with other teachers, contact families, take a half hour lunch with colleagues, meet with administrators about student issues
• 4:00pm: Go home, make and eat dinner, do work if any not completed during the day, spend time with family, read and relax
• 11:30pm: Sleep

Where else in the world outside of classroom teaching does a bell-to-bell schedule exist?  I couldn't eat when I wanted to (one year, my lunch period began at 10:30am), I couldn't use the bathroom when I had to, and I had to use a significant amount of time outside of my work day to complete tasks in order to ensure a productive and effective work week.  I rarely had time to collaborate with other teachers, meet with my administrators, or take part in professional development opportunities. 

I don't know what the answer is, but all I know is that, from my personal experience, I am a much better teacher because I am not living by the bell and spending most of my personal time on work.  I am a much happier individual because I have enough time during the work day but still choose to continue my work when I prefer.  I was completely burnt out while teaching in the classroom and I admire the strength of those who continue to stay in the classroom - I just couldn't do it!

Motivation

As a teacher in my 11th year of teaching, I should have a pretty strong grasp on student motivation, especially because I've taught seniors most of my years as an educator.  As I watch hundreds of my students walk across the stage in their cap and gown each year, one would think that I sit in my seat, feeling proud of having motivated my students to work toward a successful senior year.  However, I am, in my 11th year of teaching, unable to tell you how to motivate my students toward academic success.  Before your jaw drops in shock and disbelief, let me break it down for you on a personal level. 

Motivation for Me

My main motivation to succeed in school was driven by a desperate need to rise out of poverty.  My parents' combined income was below $20,000, we were surviving as recipients of welfare, and our home was located in a crime-ridden town that sat outside of West Philadelphia.  No matter how much my family struggled financially, my father refused to let me get a job.  "Studying and getting a scholarship is the most important job you have," he told me.  He also sat me down my Freshman year of high school and told me that he did not have a single penny saved for my college education; therefore, it was up to me to get a scholarships and to secure financial assistance. 

I was motivated by a desire to create a better life than my parents had.  During my high school year, I was the vice president of the student council for two years, graduated in the top 5% of my class, spoke at my high school graduation, and was invited to attend Dickinson College with enough scholarship, grants, and financial aid.  During my college career, I was the president of an organization, the co-founder of another organization, a member of an honor society for education majors, and spoke at the baccalaureate ceremony. 

Motivation for my Husband

My husband was raised by two college educated parents in the town of Carlisle.  He grew up on a beautiful farmhouse on 15 acres of land.  However, he never found motivation in school. 

During his high school career, his report card was filled with Cs, Ds, and the occasional F.  He boasts of never actually reading a single novel in English class and is still frustrated at the age of 33 that he was tracked into the lower level courses, away from all of his friends.  All he cared about was art and doodled in the back of the class, bored with the content.  College was the next step, not for any reason except that's what everyone does.  During his college career, he went from being an animation major to a graphic design major.  After graduation, he went back into school to become an art teacher, only to quit the profession a few years later to become a photographer. 

Here's the catch!  We are both hard-working individuals who truly love what we do and are making enough money to own a home, raise a child, get fancy and eat out, go on vacation, and donate money to various charities. 

Motivation for my Students

I used to think that I can instill motivation by stressing the importance of education.  Clearly, if I had students like my husband, that does not work.  I used to think that if I showed my struggling students enough care and investment, I could motivate them.  I've had countless students who I contacted, begging them to complete their work, trying to cut deals to help them across that stage, but there was nothing I could do.  Then, there are those students, kind of like me, who just stayed motivated.

I've tried the flipped classroom model, humor, technology, personal anecdotes in lessons, tough love, instilling fear, monologues and inspirational speeches... you name it!  I may be completely and utterly wrong, but I don't think that I, as a teacher, have the power to truly motivate my students to academically succeed (there have been the handful that have proven me wrong).

What I can do, instead, is provide the opportunity for my students discover passion through the subject I teach, to ignite even the smallest flame that might grow to a blaze of motivation.  It was when my husband found his passion for photography that his motivation kicked in.  It was my passion and desire to create a better life for myself and for my family that drove me.  I've seen my students, who were dead to the academic world, come alive when they discovered a hidden love.  Therefore, I've shifted my mindset from student motivation to student passion.  And you know what?  They may not discover it with me, and I'm okay with that. 

The Online Choice for Teachers and Students

Why I Made the Switch

In my sixth year of teaching, I was completely burnt out and no longer able to convince myself that the next year would be better.  I interviewed for and was offered a position at a non-profit organization serving women who were victims of abuse, I applied to Dickinson College's student life department, I spoke with my hair stylist about working as the receptionist, and the only teaching job for which I applied was at a juvenile detention center (at least I would receive more support than my previous school when dealing with discipline issues).  While knee deep in the job search process, I ran into a former teacher who had quit from the same school just two years prior.  He had lost weight, gained a ton of hair (tied stylishly into a ponytail), shed the health problems that were linked to stress, and rediscovered a smile that had vanished from years of teaching without necessary support.  He told me that he was working for Commonwealth Connections Academy, a cyber charter school that served students all over the state of Pennsylvania.  I was intrigued, applied, and was hired.

There I am, on the bottom left - the picture perfect online teacher.

The Honeymoon Period

My first year was spent in educational bliss.  My administrators were beyond supportive.  They dealt quickly with the students I brought to their attention, held bi-weekly meetings with me, actually inquiring about my happiness in the work place, and even rolled up their sleeves to get behind a grill for teacher lunches and behind a griddle to make pancakes for teachers during teacher appreciation week.

My time was respected.  I was given the option to choose when to start and end my work day, meetings and professional developments were held during the work day, and I had enough time to complete all of my required work so I didn't have to take grading and lesson planning home.  I no longer dreaded Sunday evenings when the guilt of putting off work to enjoy time with friends and family hung over my head.  I felt rejuvenated from the weekend and looked forward to going into the office on Mondays.

I felt more connected to my students in this environment than ever before.  Even though I didn't see my students physically, I spoke with them during my lessons and over the phone, and for some reason, I was able to get to know them on a deep level.  When the student is in the comfort of his/her home and without a classroom full of peers and social pressures, I am able to have meaningful and personal conversations frequently.  On the plus side, I was able to get to know the parents/caretakers as well.  With 120 students, if my principal gave me the name of a student, I was most likely able to tell you about his/her family life, interests, and struggles in addition to his/her writing abilities and reading level.

Reality Sets In 

I am currently in my fifth year at Commonwealth Connections Academy, and I am acutely aware of the challenges that arise from the cyber-charter setting.

1.  Student accountability:  I am not able to see my students face-to-face each day; however, that does not mean that students are not able to receive meaningful instruction.  Student accountability, on the other hand, is still a work in progress.  Each year, I speak with "A" and "B" students who are unable to answer basic questions about the reading, leading me to wonder how he/she is able to maintain such high scores.  In addition, because students from all over the United States and even our international students are using the same curriculum, a quick Google search will bring up a handful of websites that provide answers to the tests.  Often times, there is not much the teachers can do.

A screen shot of my English 12 student's course tree

2.  Curriculum:  Our curriculum and materials are provided by Pearson Education who acquired all of Connections Education in 2011.  Connections Education serves students nationally and internationally (including Commonwealth Connections Academy students in PA) with the same curriculum.  Teachers have very little power to manipulate or change the curriculum.  If there is an essay question that I do not feel is an effective measure of understanding, I cannot change it.  If there are multiple choice questions with incorrect answers, I have to go through a process which takes a few weeks to enact change, if at all.  My ELL and IEP students are given the exact same course tree and content as my standard and honors level students with just a few changes.  I am able to provide modifications to the curriculum; however, the modifications to the rigid curriculum does not provide the student with the best education for his/her needs.  Trying to contact and collaborate with the curriculum department has been difficult and one of the greatest challenges of this job.  Although the above commercial boasts "superb personalized instruction", I can honestly say that we are still working toward making that goal a reality.

3.  Attendance:  I currently have close to 180 students on my course load and an average of 20 students or less attend my virtual lessons.  I understand that many of our students are not able to attend live and choose to watch the recordings, but there is a large percentage of students who rarely/never attend or watch my lessons.  In addition, I find myself calling students who have not completed a single lesson for my course for weeks and sadly even months.  I am most shocked when a student, who looks as though he/she may fail, will complete the majority of my course in just two weeks or less in the month of June and receive a passing grade.

Why I Choose to Stay

When I first began teaching at Commonwealth Connections Academy during the 2010-2011 academic year, we had about 3,000 students.  This year, we are expected to have close to 10,000 students enrolled.  The cyber charter school setting is not for every student and will not work for all, but it's clearly working for many.  I had the privilege of providing educational opportunities for students that could not succeed in a bricks-and-mortar setting.

Victoria left the Philadelphia school district; her school is a dangerous neighborhood and funding cuts significantly affected the quality of education for students.  In addition, she gave birth to a son within a few months into the school year and was able to complete her work when her son slept.  She is one of many teen mothers who are able to care for their child and earn a high school diploma.

Sydney is the current Miss Teen Pennsylvania and travels to New York weekly to work on her modeling career.  She is able to complete her work in the evenings and while in the hotel.  I've also had a student training to be a member of Cirque de Solei and another who competed in and made it to the second level of "So, You Think You Can Dance."

Brittany is paralyzed from the neck down and was not able to receive the necessary services at her school to complete her education.  We were able to provide her with a voice recognition program so that she can complete all of her written work verbally.  She took all of her tests and quizzes with me orally, over the telephone.  Students with special needs, including Brittany, make up 20% of our student population.  Our school is not perfect, but we are working each year to better serve our special needs population.

Justin has a speech impediment which resulted in his being severely bullied at his local school which, in turn, led to depression and anxiety.  His mother, in tears, thanked me and his other teachers as Justin was able to graduate and make friends through our school.  He just emailed me last week with an update - he is currently working and saving money so that he can pursue higher education.

I choose to stay at my cyber-charter school for the same reason that a teacher in a bricks-and-mortar chooses to stay - for my students.  Yes, the curriculum, student accountability, attendance, and other aspects of the online environment are not perfect, but as long as I have support from my administration, connection with my students, and the opportunity to contribute to necessary change, I choose to be an online teacher  I think that providing this option for both students and teacher is an invaluable part of a strong educational system.